I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
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I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit