Fidel Castro was alive?
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When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Overindulged this afternoon.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses