i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
You Might Also Like
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me irl
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks