In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
You Might Also Like
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats