Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
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T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
The smoothest fall of all time
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?