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Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.