[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
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Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket