Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
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[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course