The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Yup.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Stop being racist to kettles.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
WTF IS THAT!
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me