Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
accurate
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I need this for my side hustle.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.