When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
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[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
i was baptized in a car wash
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
These work great until they don’t.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.