I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.