Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
You Might Also Like
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Liquor Store Parking
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.