I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
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My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
be careful
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned