me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
You Might Also Like
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Note to self: I am a note
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”