At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Ummm
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.