drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.