Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Jail
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.