date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
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Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?