Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
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just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders