Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium