god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
back to work
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.