Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
December birthdays be like…
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive