how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
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If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.