[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
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“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
operators are standing by to ignore your call
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.