Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
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Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Not today. 😅
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now