Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”