I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
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I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
time for some seasonal decor
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
new career option?
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.