Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
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Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”