why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
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Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
[eats all your cotton candy]
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.