When can I start eating bats again.
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Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
just left a huge legacy in there
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?