Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
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“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol