Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
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[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
reviewed some movies recently
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.