Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994