Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
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First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Bill is short for Billiam
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.