“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
You Might Also Like
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.