Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
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Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
good work, everybody
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Found the job I’m suited for
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.