SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
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*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
Oh, I bet you would be
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?