*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Generation gap…
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”