me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
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Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Love this one 😂🧟
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?