I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
You Might Also Like
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so