Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
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Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
When I laugh on my period
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.