I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
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Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Cat is stressing him out.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.