Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
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me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.