*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
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M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.