Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.