You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
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A ghost story
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Life cycle of cat
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.