*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
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“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Hard not to take this personally
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Sing it!
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Yep.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.