My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Theirye’re” problem solved
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.