In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
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*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Perfect
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*